7 Fecking Substack Self-Help Gurus Whose Advice Is Making You More Miserable
And Why You Can't Stop Reading.
Welcome back, you gluttons for punishment! Strap in for a wild ride through the treacherous terrain of Substack's self-help landscape.
We're about to meet seven digital messiahs who promise to fix your life faster than you can say "toxic positivity," but will likely leave you feeling worse than a hungover porcupine at a balloon factory. Let's dive in, shall we?
1. The "5 AM Miracle" Maven: Perky Pete's Productivity Pontifications
Oh Christ, first up on the meat grinding list is Perky Pete, the human equivalent of a triple espresso shot injected directly into your eyeballs.
Pete's Substack, "Rise and Conquer (Your Will to Live)," is a cornucopia of crack-of-fecking-dawn wisdom that'll have you questioning your life choices before the sun even considers peeking over the horizon.
Pete's groundbreaking tips include:
- "Why Sleep is for the Weak: Embracing Insomnia as Your Superpower"
- "101 Things to Do at 5 AM That Don't Involve Cursing My Name (Number 57 Will Surprise You!)"
- "How to Turn Your Bedroom into a Productivity Pod: Say Goodbye to Comfort Forever"
- "The Early Bird Gets the Worm, But the Earliest Bird Gets Delirium: A Guide"
Pete's latest newsletter gem: "I Replaced Sleep with Power Naps and Hallucinations, and So Can You!"
Why you can't stop reading: It's 3 AM, you're wide awake contemplating your existence, and Pete's making you feel like that's a good thing.
Plus, his newsletter is the only thing keeping you company in these godforsaken hours. Misery loves company, especially company that encourages more misery.
[EDITORIAL NOTE: We did reach out to Pete's Substack, "Rise and Conquer (Your Will to Live)," for comment but no one replied nor has since made any official statement.]
Subscriber testimonial: "Thanks to Pete, I now start my day at 3 AM. I've never been more productive or closer to a nervous breakdown!" - Sarah, Perpetually Exhausted in Pittsburgh
2. The Minimalist Martyr: Marie's "Less is More" Manifesto
Say hello to Minimalist Marie, whose Substack "Live Laugh Lebensraum" is all about stripping your life down to the bare essentials – joy, apparently, being one of the first things you should minimize.
Marie's life-changing advice includes:
- "The Joy of Nothing: How I Achieved Happiness by Giving Up Everything, Including Happiness"
- "Decluttering Your Relationships: Why Friends Are Just Sentient Baggage"
- "Minimalist Meals: The Ice Cube Diet That's Sweeping the Nation"
- "Finding Zen in an Empty Room, Empty Wallet, and Empty Life: A Guide to Void Living"
Marie's latest newsletter bombshell: "I Minimized My Personality and Now I'm a Human Blank Slate: Here's How You Can Too!"
Why you can't stop reading: You're surrounded by a mountain of impulse-bought junk from your latest "retail therapy" session, and Marie's making you feel like that's the reason you're miserable. It couldn't possibly be her advice turning you into a joyless husk. Nope. Not at all.
[EDITORIAL NOTE: We did reach out to Minimalist Marie, "Live Laugh Lebensraum" for comment but no one replied nor has since made any official statement.
Subscriber testimonial: "After following Marie's advice, I own nothing but a single fork. I've never felt so light, so free, so... utterly devoid of personality!" - John, Empty in Edmonton
3. The Hustle Culture Hero: Gary's "Grind or Die" Gospels
Introducing Hustler Gary, whose Substack "No Sleep Till Burnout" is a non-stop barrage of motivational napalm that'll have you feeling like a lazy piece of pond scum for taking a bathroom break.
Gary's pearls of wisdom include:
- "Sleep When You're Dead (Which, At This Rate, Will Be Soon): A 24/7 Guide to Hustling"
- "Why Relationships Are for Losers: Monetizing Your Mother's Love"
- "Turning Burnout into Profit: A Guide to Selling Your Mental Breakdown as an Online Course"
- "Work-Life Balance is for Quitters: How to Alienate Friends and Influence Nobody"
Gary's latest motivational masterpiece: "I Haven't Slept in 3 Years and Now I Can See Through Time: Join My $997 Masterclass to Learn How!"
Why you can't stop reading: It's midnight, you're still working, and Gary's making you feel like that's normal. Plus, if you stop reading, you might have to confront the emptiness of your hustle-driven existence. Can't have that, can we?
[EDITORIAL NOTE: We did reach out to Garys Substack "No Sleep Till Burnout" for comment but no one replied nor has since made any official statement.
Subscriber testimonial: "Thanks to Gary, I've monetized every aspect of my life. I now charge my kids for goodnight kisses!" - Mike, Morally Bankrupt in Miami
4. The Manifestation Magician: Woo-Woo Wendy's Wishful Thinking Workshop
Oh Christ, here we go again. Meet Woo-Woo Wendy, whose Substack "Manifest This!" promises to help you think your way to success, love, and probably a unicorn while you're at it. Remember, if your life sucks, it's because you're not thinking hard enough!
Wendy's reality-bending advice includes:
- "Manifesting Millions: Why Your Bank Account is Empty Because Your Thoughts Are Too"
- "Think Your Way to a Six-Pack: The Couch Potato's Guide to Telepathic Fitness"
- "Manifesting Your Soulmate: Why Restraining Orders are Just the Universe Testing You"
- "Using the Law of Attraction to Attract Better Laws of Attraction: A Metaphysical Mobius Strip"
Wendy's latest cosmic revelation: "I Manifested a Third Eye and Now I Can't Stop Walking into Walls: A Journey of Spiritual Awakening"
Why you can't stop reading: Your life's a mess, and Wendy's making you feel like it's your fault for not thinking positively enough about it. Plus, it's easier to believe in magic than to actually work on your problems, right?
[EDITORIAL NOTE: We did reach out to Minimalist Marie, "Live Laugh Lebensraum" for comment but she threatned to have us killed if we published this. Substack Support team where a bit slow out of the gate to be truthful to assist in dealing with that one, but hey, were all still alive.]
Subscriber testimonial: "I manifested my way out of my job, my relationship, and reality itself. Thanks, Wendy!" - Alex, Blissfully Unemployed in La La Land
5. The Relationship Guru: Lonely Larry's Love Laboratory
Oh for FECK’S SAKE! Introducing Lonely Larry, whose Substack "Love Yourself (Because No One Else Will)" is a masterclass in projecting one's own relationship failures onto an unsuspecting audience.
Larry's heart-wrenching advice includes:
- "Why Being Alone is Better: A 50,000-Word Essay Definitely Not Written Through Tears"
- "The Art of Self-Partnering: Because You're the Only One Who Understands You (And Even That's Questionable)"
- "Turning Red Flags into Red-Hot Passion: Embracing Your Date's Dysfunctions"
- "Finding The One: Have You Checked Your Mirror Lately? No, Seriously, Are You OK?"
Larry's latest tear-jerker: "I Married Myself and We're Already Considering Divorce: A Self-Love Story"
Why you can't stop reading: Your love life is deader than Larry's, and misery loves company. Plus, Larry's dramatic tales of romantic woe make your own loneliness seem almost bearable in comparison.
[EDITORIAL NOTE: We did reach out to Larrys Substack "Love Yourself (Because No One Else Will)" for comment but no one replied nor has since made any official statement.
Subscriber testimonial: "Thanks to Larry, I've embraced solitude. I now identify as a romantic hermit." - Emma, Contentedly Alone in Amsterdam
6. The Fitness Fanatic: Buff Betty's Body Bootcamp
Meet Buff Betty, whose Substack "No Pain, No Gain, No Brain" promises to turn you into a Greek god/goddess, or at least make you hate yourself enough to try. I’m nearly sure I saw the Substack editorial team recommend this newsletter too.
Betty's muscle-building, soul-crushing tips include:
- "Turn Your Body Into a Temple: A Guide to Worshipping at the Altar of Your Own Abs"
- "Sweat is Just Your Fat Crying: Make It Sob Uncontrollably"
- "Who Needs Therapy When You Have Burpees? Exercising Your Demons Away"
- "The Hunger Games: Turning Starvation into Motivation"
Betty's latest physical punishment: "I Replaced All My Meals with Protein Shakes and Now I'm More Shake Than Human: A Body Horror Story"
Why you can't stop reading: You're eating chips in bed while reading about burpees, and Betty's making you feel like that's a crime punishable by more burpees. The guilt is almost as effective as actually exercising. Almost.
[EDITORIAL NOTE: We did couldn’t have been arsed to reach out for a comment because no one replies anyways.]
Subscriber testimonial: "I haven't eaten solid food in months and I can now bench press my car. Thanks, Betty!" - Tom, Hangry in Houston
7. The Financial Freedom Fighter: Broke Bob's Money Manifestos
Last but not least, meet Broke Bob, whose Substack "Penny Pinched, Dollar Doomed" promises to make you rich, or at least make you feel better about being poor.
Bob's wealth of questionable wisdom includes:
- "Why Avocado Toast is the Real Reason You're Not a Millionaire: A Millennial's Guide to Blaming Breakfast"
- "Crypto, NFTs, and Other Ways to Gamble Away Your Life Savings While Feeling Tech-Savvy"
- "The Latte Factor: How Your Coffee Habit is Keeping You From Buying a Mansion, Probably"
- "Living in Your Car: The Mobile Lifestyle You Never Knew You Wanted"
Bob's latest financial fiasco: "I Invested My Life Savings in Dogecoin and Now I Live in a Cardboard Box: A Crypto Success Story"
Why you can't stop reading: Your bank account is emptier than Bob's promises, and his advice is just crazy enough that it might work. It won't, but hope springs eternal, especially when you're broke.
[EDITORIAL NOTE: See above notes.]
Subscriber testimonial: "Thanks to Bob, I've diversified my portfolio into beanie babies, fidget spinners, and pet rocks. I'm practically Warren Buffett!" - Lisa, Financially Delusional in Denver
So there you have it, folks! Seven Substack self-help gurus guaranteed to make you feel worse about yourself, all while keeping you hooked with the promise of a better tomorrow (or at least a slightly less pathetic today).
Why do we keep reading this crap? Because in the dumpster fire of life, these gurus are the marshmallows we're desperately trying to roast. They might not make anything better, but they give us something to do while we watch it all burn.
Remember, the first step to self-improvement is admitting you have a problem. The second step is apparently subscribing to at least three of these newsletters and wondering why you still have that problem. ;-)
Stay miserable, you magnificent self-improvers. And don't forget to smash that subscribe button! After all, what's one more terrible decision in the grand scheme of things?
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Thank you for the tips, Johnny!
You think Im joking about this? Just wait, just wait, they will come, eventually. You have been warned ;-)