9 Fecking Ways Substack Would've Changed Classic Fairy Tales
"...once upon a fecking time" meets "thanks for subscribing."
Alright, you magnificent wordsmiths and keyboard warriors! Put down that artisanal coffee (who are we kidding, it's probably lukewarm by now) and prepare to journey into a realm where "once upon a time" meets "thanks for subscribing."
We're about to explore how our beloved fairy tales would've unfolded if they'd been cursed blessed with the power of Substack. Brace yourselves for a wild ride through the enchanted forest of digital content creation!
1. Little Red Riding Hood's Guide to Avoiding Predatory Sponsored Content
Little Red isn't navigating a dark forest; she's trying to find her way through the murky woods of sponsored content offers.
The wolf isn't disguised as grandma; he's the sketchy brand offering "exposure" in exchange for a free feature.
Grandma's advice? "My dear, always disclose your partnerships, and for heaven's sake, don't work for free! And check out their subscription numbers".
The woodcutter who saves the day is the loyal reader who calls out the wolf's... I mean, the brand's BS in the comments.
2. Snow White and the Seven Reader Personas
Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the most engaged reader of them all? Snow White isn't hiding from an evil queen; she's on a desperate quest to understand her audience. The seven dwarfs? They're her reader personas:
1. Openy (always clicks, never reads)
2. Skimmy (reads the first paragraph, then bails)
3. Commy (leaves novel-length comments)
4. Lurky (never engages, but reads everything)
5. Spammy (keeps trying to sell you crypto in the comments)
6. Freebie (allergic to the 'upgrade to paid' button)
7. Paid-y (the one true love who actually supports your work)
Instead of a poisoned apple, the evil queen tricks Snow White into using clickbait titles. Will a true love's kiss (aka a genuine, heartfelt post) break the spell and bring back authentic engagement?
3. Rumpelstiltskin's Guide to Naming Your Newsletter
Poor Rumpelstiltskin. In the Substack era, he's not spinning straw into gold; he's an overworked branding consultant trying to help writers come up with the perfect newsletter name. "The Spinning Yarn"? Taken. "Straw Man Arguments"? Too political. "Gold Member"? Definitely not family-friendly.
The miller's daughter isn't guessing his name; she's trying to figure out the perfect subject line that won't land her in the spam folder.
And instead of giving up her firstborn, she's sacrificing her personal email to sign up for competitor newsletters for "research purposes."
4. Hansel and Gretel's Trail of Breadcrumb Content
These tech-savvy siblings aren't leaving a trail of breadcrumbs in the forest; they're creating a content trail to lead readers deep into their newsletter ecosystem.
A tweet here, a LinkedIn post there, all leading to the ultimate gingerbread house: their paid subscription tier.
The witch? She's the algorithm, constantly changing the rules and threatening to eat your visibility if you don't feed it exactly what it wants.
And let's be honest, we've all considered shoving the algorithm into an oven at some point.
5. The Emperor's New Newsletter Template
Oh, you poor, deluded emperor. Those swindlers aren't selling invisible clothes; they're peddling the "ultimate newsletter template guaranteed to 10x your subscription rate!"
The emperor struts around, confident in his sleek new design, while his loyal subjects (aka long-time readers) are too polite to mention that it looks exactly like every other newsletter in their inbox.
The child who cries out the truth? That's the blunt friend who asks why you changed your perfectly good layout for this "minimalist garbage."
6. Cinderella and the Magical Email List Cleaning
Forget the glass slipper – in the Substack version, Prince Charming is on a quest to find the one true subscriber who actually opens every single email.
Cinderella isn't scrubbing floors; she's scrubbing her email list, removing inactive subscribers faster than you can say "bibbidi-bobbidi-boo."
The Fairy Godmother? She's a growth hacking guru who shows up at midnight (because let's face it, that's when we all get our best ideas) to sprinkle some SEO magic and turn Cinderella's pumpkin content into a viral carriage.
But remember, at the stroke of midnight, all that optimization turns back into keyword stuffing. The horror!
7. The Little Mermaid's Voice-to-Text Nightmare
Ariel doesn't trade her voice for legs; she trades it for a fancy AI transcription software that promises to turn her thoughts directly into newsletter gold.
Spoiler alert: it's about as accurate as trying to understand a drunk octopus.
Ursula isn't a sea witch; she's the customer service rep who swears the software works perfectly and maybe Ariel should "speak more clearly." Prince Eric is that one reader who somehow deciphers the gibberish and becomes her most engaged subscriber.
8. Jack and the Giant Email List
Jack's magic beans? Those are the promises of a sketchy growth hacking course. The beanstalk is the unexpected viral post that catapults him to newsletter fame overnight.
The giant shouting "Fee-fi-fo-fum" is the sudden realization that Jack has no idea what to do with this massive, unqualified email list.
That golden goose? It's the one genuinely interested subscriber in a sea of freebie-seekers.
9. Sleeping Beauty's Perfectly Timed Email Sequence
In this version, Sleeping Beauty isn't cursed to sleep for 100 years; her perfectly crafted email sequence goes out while she takes a well-deserved vacation.
The evil fairy is that one toxic subscriber who always replies with "Unsubscribe" instead of just hitting the damn button.
The prince fighting through thorns? That's Beauty herself, returning from vacation to find 10,000 unread emails in her inbox. The kiss that wakes her?
The one positive reply buried in a sea of out-of-office autoreplies.
And there you have it, my fellow fabled scribes! The next time you're pulling your hair out over open rates or contemplating a career change to something less stressful (like, say, dragon slaying), remember: you're not just writing newsletters. You're crafting modern-day fairy tales, one email at a time.
So raise that coffee mug (or wine glass, we don't judge) to the magical, maddening world of Substack. May your open rates be high, your spam complaints be low, and may you always find your happily ever after... or at least until next week's newsletter is due.
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go see a man about some magic beans. I heard they're great for list growth. What could possibly go wrong?
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I really enjoyed this one. Oh, come on. smile a little. and remember, its for entertainment purposes only.